He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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