nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
my poor anus
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
