You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The uberlube is also flammable
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i now understand why vodka
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
