just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
