You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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