i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
