I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
