no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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