It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
