I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
