we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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