Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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