I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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