i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
