I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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