I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
