An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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