I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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