I want to make a zoo with you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
