I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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