I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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