Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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