I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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