I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
