i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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