Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
