I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
