U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
