What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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