just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
