I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
