I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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