i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
