I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
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I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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