the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
