3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
