ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I believe in your delicious
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
