I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
