hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
