he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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