I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
