The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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