I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sext me about skeletons
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
