I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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