She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
