I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
