Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
