Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
