Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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