i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
