I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Your penis caused this!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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