One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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