Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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