He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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