did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
