Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
