Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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